


sad eyes, bad guys

by iwannalovebucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: A little drinking, AU, Alternate Universe - Bikers, Alternative Lifestyles, As well, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bottom Steve, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Crying, Halsey - Freeform, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, M/M, Mentions of Sex, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Sad, Skinny!Steve, Song fic, Steve Feels, Steve Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Top Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, alternative universe, and some love, biker, biker!Bucky, ghost - Freeform, give them a break, they both need one ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 16:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14980856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwannalovebucky/pseuds/iwannalovebucky
Summary: Steve woke up to an empty bed and a text message on his phone.` Last night was short. I got more planned. `And in that second, Steve knew exactly why he liked bad guys: They were a huge fucking turn on.





	sad eyes, bad guys

**Author's Note:**

> based off Ghost by Halsey.

> _I'm searching for something that I can't reach_

 

Steve had never been the desirable one. Whenever he would go out with his friends they would get hit on and he would awkwardly sit there, waiting for them to leave, one of them or both. The only people that seemed to take interest in him were perverts, sneaking up behind him and whispering filthy things into his ear. He didn´t like either situation. 

Yet, he was left alone at a bar by his friends - again – and even though he didn´t expect anything to happen tonight, he always seemed to hope, wait for it as he ordered another drink.

 

> _I don't like them innocent_
> 
> _I don't want no face fresh_
> 
> _Want them wearing leather_

The company in the bar was rather boring, but at least they were quiet. Steve was never one to like clubs with their loud music blasting away his eardrums. Additionally, the little number of guests gave him the opportunity to let his gaze wander around and linger on everyone around as he sipped on his drink. And _of course_ , his attention just had to be caught by the man with the dark gaze, wearing an even darker biker suit in the corner among a little group of friends. _Of course_ , Steve just had to take interest in the bad guy, who was – _of course!_ – way, way out of his league. _Of course_ this just had to happen.

Why could Steve not like the normal guys? Not that they would like him back, but at least his chances weren´t down to zero.

So, he tried to take his eyes off the absolutely _stunning_ man in the booth but his already tipsy brain decided that it didn’t really like that idea so he just kept staring at his gorgeous hair, his thick fingers around his glass, the way he could see his arms working underneath the leather when they moved. He was captivated by his quiet, relaxed demeanor. His right arm was placed upon the back rest of the settle he had placed himself upon, leaning back and even though Steve could not see through the table, he was sure that his legs were parted. And good Lord, if his legs looked anything like the rest of him..

Steve just drank up, still openly staring at the man while doing so, letting his soon drunk mind wander before he realized that he had been spotted by _him_. His eyes seemed to darken, Steve could have sworn even though he knew there was no way in hell he could have been able from at least five meters away, across a smoke filled room with maybe a little too much alcohol running through his system. The rest of his face didn´t really change, as one would expect it to.

He seemed to take Steve in, consider him, for what could not be guessed. In return, Steve flushed pink, which the dark man hopefully would not be able to see. In an attempt to prevent his drunken brain from embarrassing him any further, he decided to turn around and was away his embarrassment with more liquor.

 

> _Begging "let me be your taste test"_

Steve drank, daring himself to try Whiskey. He hated it. Who would have guessed. But still, he paid a fair amount of money, so he sure as hell was not going to waste it. One big gulp and all of it went down Steve´s throat, almost making him cough.

“Heard that´s pretty expensive.”

Steve was glad that he had already swallowed his drink for if he hadn´t he sure as hell would have choked on it.

“Taste good?” The man in leather asked, glancing down to Steve´s lips in such an obvious way that even the smaller man caught it. Involuntary he mirrored his behavior and glanced - stared - at his lips which he had not been able to really see before through the distance that previously separated them. And by god, his lips were _gorgeous_.  

His mind seemed to do nothing but disobey him the whole night, wandering off and dreaming about lips that would kiss him, hands that would hold him, hips that would –

“See something you like?” A cocky smile that suited his handsome features so, so _perfectly_ had formed on the other man´s face. It sure did not help Steve in stopping his mind from bringing up  new filthy, unrealistic scenarios and neither did the hand that came up to his chin after he looked away, still not answering any of the questions he had been asked. Perfectly shaped, warm fingers ghosted over the underside of his chin, a thumb lightly caressing his jaw and when the hand guided him to face the other man again he almost let out the most embarrassing whimper then and there. And maybe he did. Maybe he couldn´t control himself. And even if he did, no one would ever know.

The other man had moved even closer to him, his warm breath evident on his own lips which were being eyed from close up now.

“I´d just love to know how that drink of yours tasted,” another wave of hot, used air washed over Steve. “Be my taste test?” He was so close now that he all but whispered against his lips.

All Steve could manage to do was to look up to him with big eyes and whimper out a tiny _please_.

 

> _I like the sad eyes, bad guys_

Steve had no idea how any of this could have ever happened, if he had been thrown into a cliché movie where the other man had been dared to make out with him. All he knew was that there were lips on his and arms around his waist and a body pressed against his, which soon had him pressed against a wall.

The next thing his mind was able to comprehend was that he was to put on his jacket to leave – with the gorgeous man he still does not know the name of. But honestly, if he had to spend all of their time together simply referring to him as _the man_ in his mind, he´d be absolutely fine with it.

Turning around with his jacket on he caught his eye. He looked like the typical bad boy everyone warns you about. The one with a troubled past that could be told in scars, the one with long hair and muscles all over, the one that you know means trouble but you want it anyway.  And it would only be one night. How much trouble could that be?

>  
> 
> _Mouth full of white lies_

“Could I call you?” The question is asked out of the blue as Steve tries to put on the helmet he was handed just a second ago. It throws him off his rhythm and he has to try really hard not to let his mouth fall open. “W-What?” Is the only thing he can stammer out.

“ ´m Bucky. Maybe should´ve told you before asking. Would like to see you again sometime.”

Steve wasn´t sure if what he just heard was a lie, a part of the game he was playing but honestly, whatever Bucky would have asked from him, he would have given it to him. There was no doubt in that. So he just scribbled his phone number on Bucky´s arm with shaky hands which were soon wrapped around the bigger man´s waist as they rode through the city on Bucky´s motorcycle to the address Steve had previously told him.

His knees felt weak when they came to a halt. Trying to regain his posture a little bit he stayed seated at first, taking off his helmet. “Wouldn´t mind doing this again,” he mumbled when Bucky gave him a cocky smirk.

“ ´f course not,” was the only answer he received.

 

> _Kiss me in the corridor_

Again, Steve was trapped between a wall and a strong body, holding him up when his knees gave in. The moment he had seen Bucky´s expression after he pulled off his own helmet he knew that there would be no way they would make it into his apartment without interruptions. No one had ever looked at him that way, like he was the most desirable thing in the world. Like he was precious, worth sinning for. This must be what his friends felt like when they left him alone at that bar and honestly, he could not blame any of them. This was the very first time he had felt this desire and rush of adrenaline, want and _need_ yet he was already addicted to it, immediately.

 

> _But quick to tell me goodbye_

Steve woke up to an empty bed and a text message on his phone.

_` Last night was short. I got more planned. `_

And in that second, Steve knew exactly why he liked bad guys: They were a huge fucking turn on.

So it went, they met again and again, Bucky had a lot of plans. They most certainly could not fit them into a couple of nights. And every time they were together new ideas started to flood his mind, every time Steve laid there underneath him, so completely and utterly exposed for him and him only, he just wanted to spend every day, every night like this.

And when Steve let it slip that no one had ever treated him like this Bucky wanted to hurt everyone who had ever made Steve feel undesirable and keep Steve safe in return. He wanted to keep him by his side where Bucky could take care of him, show him how much he was worth.

Yet, the more he thought about that the less he felt like he should do it. About how much more Steve deserved because all Bucky could see when he looked at him was this little precious, pure, strong, honest being that was willing to put himself in danger over and over again, just to do the right thing.

He deserved more than someone who put everyone around him into danger, who could not open up to people, who had a troubled past, who would never be able to give him the life he deserves.

He was no good for Steve and yet Steve didn´t seem to bother. Bucky didn´t know how he could ever be so lucky but still – he couldn´t do this to Steve. He wanted to be a bit more like Steve. He wanted to do one thing right, just once.

So he started to push Steve away. There were no declarations of adoration anymore, there was only a desire Bucky tried to fulfill. He knew that soon Steve would not be with him anymore, but he wanted, needed to feel his skin against his own, to feel his trust and maybe even his love. He too was addicted to their meetings which now became shorter and shorter. Steve used to make breakfast for both of them while Bucky would lay in bed, still naked and half asleep, listening to Steve´s cooking. Now Bucky would leave either before Steve woke up or right after his hips had snapped into Steve´s.

 

> _You say that you're no good for me_
> 
> _Cause I'm always tugging at your sleeve_

Steve caught up on it, of course. How could he not? Steve adored Bucky and he knew that the feeling was mutual, or at least it used to be. But now Bucky left him to a cold bed and lonely mornings that used to be filled with pleasure and laughter. And to be honest, it wasn´t all that surprising to him. Of course Bucky would find him annoying and of course Steve was not good at what they were doing, with the little experience that he had. But he didn´t want to believe it. He didn´t want to lose the only person that had _wanted_ him.

He tried to make him stay, kept telling him how much he liked him, how _good_ he was, how much he hoped for him to stay the night. But Bucky was having none of it. It was hard, it pained him, but he did it anyways. Because he knew it would be for the better – for Steve at least.

“Why don´t you stay anymore?” Bucky had feared this sentence ever since he started distancing himself from Steve. He had hoped he could avoid this situation, maybe Steve would just accept that Bucky changed. Of course, he should have known better. Of course Steve would pick up on his behavior and of course Steve would confront him about it.

And of course, if Bucky would tell him why he was doing what he was doing, he would be having none of it. So, he did what he had always been good at: He lied.

“I think your think too much of this.” Steve´s only response was a confused face and furrowed brows.

An involuntary sigh escaped Bucky´s lips. He didn´t want to tell Steve these lies, but he had to. “I think-“ He ran a hand through his hair, praying that this wouldn´t find an end right then and there, “- I think you want more than I do.” He didn´t want to lose Steve. Not just now. “I think this actually _means_ something to you.” God. He sounded like the heartless person he tried not to be.

Steve´s mouth opened a little, his brows still furrowed, Bucky could not read his expression and he wasn´t all so sure if he even wanted to.

“No. It´s – I mean.. I do like you. But not – not like that.” Steve couldn´t help but blush. “I – I know that this is only..” He swallowed lightly, hoping that Bucky wouldn´t notice it (he did), “an affair. I know that it doesn´t mean anything.”

 

> _And I swear I hate you when you leave_

That night, when Bucky left, Steve wanted to throw a tantrum. He wanted to curse him for not wanting him. He wanted him to stay and to love him and to make love to him and to stay again. He wanted to be the one Bucky liked – but not in _that_ way. Not like he did right now. He wanted him to really, actually like him. In a way that made him smile when he looked at Steve and in a way that made him weak in the knees and in a way that made him blush when Steve complimented him. In a way that made him stay.

He tried to deal with it for a week, two, three, tried to come to terms with the fact that Bucky would leave him with nothing but an empty bed and body each night. He knew it wouldn´t work out but he tried anyway.

“Don´t leave.” Bucky stopped tying his shoes to look over his shoulder at the man splayed over the bed. “We talked about this, Ste-“ “I know but for fuck´s sake Bucky! Why do you bother? Why do you come back again and again if you don´t want to stay, if you don´t want me?!”

>  
> 
> _But I like it anyway_

Steve hadn´t meant to yell at Bucky but he could have sworn that he had seen something in his eyes, a glimpse of something that wanted to stay with him. And if that was really there then he wanted to help Bucky discover it too. Yelling may not be the best way to do that though.

Bucky left and had no plans to return. If Steve was angry it would be easier for him to get over Bucky. Again, he should have known better. Steve was not someone who gives up on anything, apparently.

A call from a small, needy Steve on the other end of the line got the best of him. “I´m sorry. You know that. I know that, we both know that. I miss you. I miss your hands on me. Please come over.” This would have been the perfect time to end their affair but Bucky just couldn´t seem to say ´No´ to Steve when he said that he was sorry, that he missed and _needed_ him, in every way one could need someone else.

Bucky drove over to Steve´s and allowed himself to love him, to hold him, to kiss him, to feel him, to do so many more things with him. He left after Steve fell asleep, a small exhausted body curled up beside him. When Steve woke up he knew that this was how it would go. He would try to pry himself away from Bucky and fail miserably.

> _My ghost_
> 
> _Where'd you go?_
> 
> _I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me_

Steve distanced himself. It was only natural. Bucky didn´t give him what he wanted and needed so Steve tried not to get hurt, he stopped wearing his heart on his sleeve and moved it to his cheek instead.

One night Bucky just teared up a little. He didn´t want to but with Steve asleep next to him he couldn´t help himself. It was his fault. Steve adored him, maybe even loved him and he just had to hurt him until Steve stopped. Now he wouldn´t let Bucky hold him afterwards. Steve would curl up beside him and sleep, fully aware that Bucky would leave him, again. He tried to protect himself. And Bucky tried to do that too.

He tried not to make any sounds as he cried beside Steve, sniffling and whimpering into the blanket he pressed against his face until a small hand caressed his back. Bucky didn´t dare to look up, he wouldn´t be able to stand the worry written all over Steve´s face. So he just grabbed the blanket tighter as Steve crawled into his lap. Sweet nothings were whispered into his hair while his face was held by these small hands he loved so much. Steve held him close to his heart, whose beat he could not hear through the blanket, but he knew it was there. And maybe it made him cry just a little bit harder, knowing that Steve let him so close but he would push him away again and again. Knowing that this was his fault.

> _My ghost_
> 
> _Where'd you go?_
> 
> _What happened to the soul that you used to be?_

Bucky crying was something Steve never expected to witness. Especially not after all the changes they had gone through. He had deemed their relationship lost, beyond repair but Bucky had let him close. Neither had he talked about what was wrong nor had Steve asked. He was content just holding him and being held. He didn´t want Bucky to feel bad but he wanted to be the person to soothe any pains that he had. He wanted to be what Bucky used to see in him.

> _You're a Rolling Stone boy_

Bucky didn´t know what to do. Maybe he wasn´t that bad for Steve. Well, he certainly was now but maybe he wasn´t before. Maybe he could get better. Maybe he could let him close. Maybe he could love him like he wanted to. And maybe, just maybe they could be happy.

But the bad memories always crept their way back into his mind. They always reminded him of how he was not made for love. Of how he could never open up to people. He had fucked so much up, he had fucked so many people over, he couldn´t do that to Steve as well.

Every time he thought that maybe being with Steve would be a good decision his memories had to come back and practically yell at him. He cried again, without Steve to hold him.

 

> _Never sleep alone boy_

The only thing that felt right was being with Steve. He had tried not to do it anymore, he really did, but in the end, he always ended up in his bed. He had started staying until dawn again. Not long enough for Steve to wake up and ask him to stay again but long enough to see the sun bathe his face in gold.

He traced his cheekbones, hoping not to wake him but failing miserably. An almost incoherent _Bucky_ was mumbled into the warmth of the pillow and a smile crept its way onto Bucky´s face. Steve mumbled some more and snuggled his face into Bucky´s torso which was propped up slightly against the headboard of Steve´s bed. Almost unconsciously Bucky´s hand softly grabbed Steve´s, again wondering how it could be so small and fit into his so perfectly. And Bucky could stay. He could be happy, for once. With him. At least that´s what he thought, for a second. But he knew better. So he didn´t.

 

> _Got a million numbers_
> 
> _And they're filling up your phone, boy_

“I don´t know what to do, Sam.” Steve had finally decided to call someone and ask for help. He was never good at that but he knew that he couldn´t go on like this.

“Steve, he ain´t good for ya. We both know tha´.”

Steve let out a frustrated sigh. “Yes, yes, of course but, Sam – I.. I need him,” he desperately tugged at his hair, trying to grab a clear thought in the chaos that was currently his mind.

“We both know Steve fucking Rogers don´t need anyone.” Steve could practically hear his facial expression (eyes rolling, brows lifted, sauce in the corner of his mouth).

“But Sam, when he´s not here-“

“Yeah right, when is he not there? When was the last time you went like three days without seeing each other? Can´t get over him if he´s always there.”

And Sam was right, of course he was.

 

> _I'm off the deep end, sleeping_
> 
> _All night through the weekend_

Steve told Bucky he had to leave town for a couple of days to get something done. It wasn´t really a lie, he did have to get something done. He had to come to terms with the fact that Sam was right, he did have to cut things off with Bucky. He would not let him in and Steve was tired, exhausted. He was tired of fighting, of making himself believe it would get better and of waiting for Bucky to finally love him like he wanted him to.

The weekend was spent mainly by crying, eating, sleeping and staring at the ceiling (alternatively by watching sad movies). And in the end, he still didn´t come to terms with it. But it had to be done.

He drove back to the city, crying a little and trying to imagine what the conversation would look like. He called Bucky and invited him over. He tried to be prepared what was about to come.

 

> _Saying th_ _at I love him_

 

“I love you Bucky. I really do.”

 

> _But I know I'm gonna leave him_

“But this is not working out.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
